I’ve worked every day this week and have had no time to work out the vagaries of wordpress. I don’t even know how to set up a reader feedlink. My friend Freedom emailed me a ‘how to’ but I haven’t had time to do more than skim through her email.
I can’t see having a whole lot more time on my hands right now, either; even if the days are getting longer. I am out of my home at least ten and a half hours each day and when I come home, I am there for other people’s needs. There’s food and laundry and housecleaning and the packing of lunches and the driving here and there. There’s my mother, complaining that she doesn’t see me often.
But I miss this and I start out every day after work; determined to make my life fit in with my parameters and determined to keep up writing because it is something for just me. Except it so patently isn’t right now.
What do I give up to make my life easier?
My girls and their needs? Not acceptable. They want me around, a fact that always amazes me.
My boyfriend? Not acceptable. He is always my background though, my hedonistic encourager. To deny him is to deny my sexuality.
My job? Not acceptable. I have been working this crazy hours to pay for daughter’s party. I have a mortgage and, besides, lip gloss and tampons for my teenagers are priced high. Just living takes every spare bit of dosh that I have. I would love the opportunity to spend without fear of consequences but the ‘solvent’ crazy factor always emerges.
So what can I give up? I can’t really think of anything. If I choose to be part of a family, with all its associated repercussions, then I have to accept that I have certain obligations. And I will get tireder and tireder and things will stop being fun. Maybe that’s when I fade out.