It is when Ron had a massive heart attack and slipped into a coma and I wasn’t there for him. I waited, frantic, on the other side of the world for any news and whatever news trickled through went from bad to worse.
October is one of the dark months of my soul. Bad things happen in October, although I never realise that coincidence until I look back at past years.
This October I am struggling with work, home and relationship issues. I feel isolated and berefit. There are things I want to talk about but there really isn’t anybody who would feel comfortable in listening and if they’re obviously not comfortable listening, then I wouldn’t put them in that position. So my response to all of the enquiries “How are you?” is always the socially conventional reply “Just fine, thank you”.
(Maybe I get this from watching my mumma after she and my dad split up. She would bump into casual acquaintences and they would ask the same question and she would tell them. And tell them and tell them! You could see their eyes glazing over, the frantic shuffle of the feet as they tried to indicate that they were busy and had to move on, the non-contact in case words indicated a desire for further dialogue. You could almost hear them saying inside their brains “What the hell?! Doesn’t this person know it was only a societially acceptable greeting? I don’t really give a damn!”.)
I found this funny at the time. But also a life learning experience.
I don’t know if I am projecting my issues and muddying up the waters or whether my feelings are justified. I do know that I feel very confused. I just sort of assume that everything is all good until, suddenly, it isn’t and I feel totally sideswiped. It makes me feel foolish, either way, because I just didn’t see this coming.