October is a bad month for me

It is when Ron had a massive heart attack and slipped into a coma and I wasn’t there for him. I waited, frantic, on the other side of the world for any news and whatever news trickled through went from bad to worse.

October is one of the dark months of my soul. Bad things happen in October, although I never realise that coincidence until I look back at past years.

This October I am struggling with work, home and relationship issues. I feel isolated and berefit. There are things I want to talk about but there really isn’t anybody who would feel comfortable in listening and if they’re obviously not comfortable listening, then I wouldn’t put them in that position. So my response to all of the enquiries “How are you?” is always the socially conventional reply “Just fine, thank you”.

(Maybe I get this from watching my mumma after she and my dad split up. She would bump into casual acquaintences and they would ask the same question and she would tell them. And tell them and tell them! You could see their eyes glazing over, the frantic shuffle of the feet as they tried to indicate that they were busy and had to move on, the non-contact in case words indicated a desire for further dialogue. You could almost hear them saying inside their brains “What the hell?! Doesn’t this person know it was only a societially acceptable greeting? I don’t really give a damn!”.)

I found this funny at the time. But  also a life learning experience.

I don’t know if I am projecting my issues and muddying up the waters or whether my feelings are justified. I do know that I feel very confused. I just sort of assume that everything is all good until, suddenly, it isn’t and I feel totally sideswiped. It makes me feel foolish, either way, because I just didn’t see this coming.

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About quirkycharm

I like to think that I have a certain quirky charm but I am probably being optimistic. Acquired taste, perhaps, which many don't acquire. This is about my fifth blog out there. My hosting companies kept going out of business or my IT exhusband kept hacking into them and I would move again. I don't do twitter, I barely do facebook, I don't try and 'monetize' my blog. I love my husband, my grown children and my job and this particular incarnation of oversharing my life comes at a time when I am the most content that I have ever been. I write always, sporadically during the good stuff and exhaustingly during the bad.
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One Response to October is a bad month for me

  1. Freedom Smith says:

    I am so sorry about Ron, and what happened. I can imagine that October is very difficult. I have heard other people say that they feel very sad and they do not know why and then they realize what the date is or the month, and the significance of that. Amazing to me, that our bodies and minds know, our subconscious knows, but we don’t catch on at first to the sadness.

    I hope that this month will bring something good along with the tough things and that October will pass quickly for you!!

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