Tomorrow marks another anniversary. I wonder if anybody I know will remember? No reason that they should. Other people’s grief is boring and other people’s momentous stuff merely tedious.
What will I be doing? Working (obviously) and then I have BF’s SES Christmas party to attend. (State Emergency Service – all volunteer but pretty amazing people in there regardless; they give up paid employment to do it and most of their tasks are the non-pretty, non-glory type of stuff that the paid Emergency Services personnel don’t get time to do).
I will be busy and then I will be tired. I will probably not think of the date for most of the day. The only time I might is when I wake up, before the day starts to escalate. And if I think then, it will be whilst I am lying next to BF. I wonder if I’ll feel guilty because I can’t compartmentalize better. I wonder if I’ll feel disloyal, because I’ve tried so hard not to form comparisons. I wonder what he would think, if he could know, about me waking up in somebody else’s bed on a day that is anything but mundane because of what he and I went through.
You know what? I think it will be okay. He’d be the first person to laugh at the irony of me mourning him, while I’m skin on skin with his successor. After all, I’d wish that for him, if the situations were reversed: life and love and happiness. He didn’t love me any less than I did him.