Nothing important has really changed in my life. I still have a job that pays me enough to meet the bills. I still have family who care about me. I still am involved in a relationship that is extremely rewarding. I am still (relatively speaking) healthy.
But I struggle right now. I don’t know how much of that struggle can be attributable to simple exhaustion; the end result of a year of relentless work, in order to manage as a full fee paying member of grownup society. My obligations are many, my pay minimum wage – the formula is inescapable. I am so, so tired. Chronically tired. Tired to the extent of bones aching tired. Tired enough so that each additional task, each additional interaction, each additional issue required of me, outside of my daily routine, tips the balance between cranky yet functioning, and full on teary meltdown.
It’s no secret here that I have issues, that I have always had to deal with acute depressive phases of my life. I will come clean and admit that I hate it; I hate the fact that my biochemistry can alter, regardless of circumstances. That my outlook changes for the worst, simply because my body makes me see things in a different perspective, whereas in reality nothing external has altered at all. But how far can I blame life, when other people seem to be able to cope with it?
Is it me and I really do prefer to wallow in the negative, as somebody once told me, for reasons that were unclear to them (implied: advantageous to me, but fuck it, I can’t quite work out the advantage either)? Or is it natural ennui and I just am much lesser evolved to deal with it? Or is it simply circumstances and other people might equally be in this situation?
There are things I am trying to do to alleviate my mood but they don’t always work and when you are mired down in it all, it is so difficult to make the effort to take on anything new.
I would love to know how it feels to be on an even keel for an extended period of time. I hate the feeling of being down, of waking up and dreading getting out of bed each morning, of avoiding social interaction, of feeling so exhausted all the time.
Yes, there is so much that is good in my life and so much that I appreciate and applaud. So much to take joy from. I just can’t seem to find those joyful feelings right now.
In the meantime, I keep on keeping on. And I do know that I’ve been here before and that I have managed to move on from this stage so I just have to trust that it will happen again if I just outlast it. Which I will do. But such a struggle while I am doing that.
Regardless of whether or not I am subconsciously enjoying this, or suffering this or just outlasting this.