Given that I have been looking into other employment situations, it is no surprise that I feel very unsettled. I have a fair degree of certainty that a prestigious company will make me an offer but I am so torn.
I don’t know. I really don’t. I want to stay around here for lots of reasons but I am getting so miserable being in such close proximity to my family. They never lose an opportunity to reiterate my failings and lack of ability in the roles of mother and daughter. I’ve got to the stage where I am avoiding those primarily involved, simply because their attitudes crush me. Sure, I don’t get it right, yes I probably am selfish, but what they don’t ever consider is that I work an average of 55 hours per week in order to just meet the bills. At the end of the day I am exhausted and I do what I can, combined with what I can afford. Being constantly belittled is really affecting my mental outlook. I am so tired and it just feels that nothing I do can ever be right and i start to wonder what is the point of it all. Yes, I get it. I am a total fuckup of a human being and my behaviour ruins other people’s lives. I really do understand that point of view but i do try to adjust my behaviour, in order to fit in with other’s expectations.
I pull away when I can, in order to save my own sanity; that is seen as selfish and uncaring. Tonight I cancelled going to Jazz in the Park because I simply couldn’t take my mother complaining about how she never sees or hears from me, regardless of the fact that I have organised a time once a week to share good stuff. She has a couple of glasses of wine and starts verbally attacking me. My oldest daughter doesn’t even need the wine!
My fragile shell isn’t really coping with the current barrage. When you are constantly put down by others, always informed of your failings (in their eyes), you tend to go with the flow, in order to minimise disruption.
I don’t seem to be strong enough to refute those beliefs. It is so much easier to just agree with everything. But when you are told enough times about how flawed you are, you tend to accept it.
It is not in my nature to be aggressive, confrontational or manipulative. I absorb those emotions and try to expel them.
I do wish, so much, that there would be somebody out there who is prepared to simply listen, and not use my honest feelings as an excuse to distance themselves from me. In other words, I want to really matter to somebody and it doesn’t seem like I come first with anybody.
Sorry about the whining. I am sad because I haven’t been well today and nobody in my family has even bothered to check how I am feeling. I lay on my bed all afternoon with a migraine, unable to even walk to the fridge for a new icepack, and not one of the people whom I had made plans with bothered to even see if I was alright. Not my daughter, not my boyfriend, not my mother.
Selfpitying whining, I know. But it leaves me feeling so incidental to anybody’s life. Like I dont matter at all in the scheme of things. It makes me feel so incredibly sad that I am not important enough in anybodys life for them to make an effort for me, for a change.