Maybe because such a lot of money, and it feels so reckless.
And reckless hasn’t exactly been good for me in the past,
I am calmer now.
I hate having to analyse my behaviour; having to be so watchful all the time. I know me better than anybody else and I am the guardian of regulation of my life, and selfmonitoring is a tedious task when you are the sole watchkeeper.
I have deliberately kept at arm’s length those that love me, those that would love me a lot less if they were set up to be the wardens of my aberrant behaviour, or even if just situationally exposed.