How can I harden my heart enough to kick you out of it?
To peel back your clutching fingers, one by one:
using hurt and anger and fear.
Every cross word;
every time you ever said ‘no’.
Sticky and tenacious
Bend them back.
For all the things you didn’t want to do with me;
For all the flowers you never bought me.
Pull hard now.
For the fear that you engendered.
The birthdays you ignored.
The way that you loved me so much less.
(Note: this isn’t about the Boyfriend. We are not breaking up, not on my part at least. There’s no doubt that the guy has committment issues (we’ve been together, on an almost-every-night basis for well over a year now and he still won’t leave one little thing at my place) and I can forsee a time when I start to feel very exploited, if things don’t change in at least some way, but I am not kicking him to the curb. Although, again, very irritatingly, he tells me that he is convinced I will do that when I realise how much he costs me (financially, emotionally etc), yet he is prepared to just enjoy that ride apparently until then.
We’ve been talking about these issues but haven’t progressed much on it as he has just got some bad news about a family member and illness. Even I am not mean enough to put pressure on a guy in this situation but there’s a tiny, hidden away corner of my mind that suspects that he has a tiny, hidden away corner of his mind that is grateful for the respite, in spite of the cause.
Anyway, not about him. But timely, given that I do not want to be in a relationship every again where I am loved so much less. It’s all about parity these days.)
I wrote this when my first marriage was imploding.