It’s been a rough period.
Last time I wrote here, I was saying that I felt better. Well, I did. Up to a point.
I dutifully took all my medications, wore that damned splint every time I was upright, refrained from driving, bending, kneeling, cleaning , sex… every damn activity you can think of that involves bending the knee.
The redness and swelling diminshed, the pain grew less. I finished the four-times-a-day-no-drink-only-certain-foods-taken-on-a-completely-empty-stomach-try-to-ignore-the-constant-nausea-that-only-eating-takes-away antibiotics. Yeah, I put on three kilos of weight due to that food/inactivity interaction.
Eventually, I decided that maybe the final healing bit would happen once I resumed normal activities. Except it didn’t. Standing, walking, driving (you know, work stuff) caused bruises to develop and my knee to hurt so much and swell all over again. The work dwindled right off: either I was too sick or they didn’t want me because I might call in unable to work and they needed reliable people. Tourism means no sick days, no holidays, no holding your job.
Six weeks of no work, no pay, no welfare (too stupidly proud to borrow or approach the social security offices). I let all my savings go on the mortgage and car payment and ran up my credit card for every other bill.
I job hunted. When the bank account hit $75, I lied through my teeth and said I was all better and got a few limited hours here and there, struggling through. I am still doing it. Today I tried to jump down from the bus and my knee wouldn’t hold me. I fell in the dust and tried to pretend I was just clumsy to my passengers.
It doesn’t matter though. Today I accepted a nine to five regular job, with weekends off and sick days and holidays. Truly, I have never, ever had that. I lied, though. I didn’t tell them about my knee. If i had, they wouldn’t employ me and I need this job so badly. I can’t lose my house, I just can’t.
So that was good news.
Why am I not happy?
Because my dad starts radiotherapy treatment tomorrow, my mum has just been diagnosed with three chronic lung diseases (and they won’t rule out cancer, which is my worst fear) and my boyfriend is going back to Canada to see his family and I doubt he will come back.
I will be happier tomorrow, I promise.
Right now it all seems a little overwhelming.