Life here has been rather hectic lately. My mother is very ill still and I’ve been trying to squeeze in as much help and as many visits as I can. She saw a Pain Management Specialist yesterday and she goes on Tuesday to have a epidural injection of cortisone, which I am optimistic might make a difference. It is a tangible thing and maybe that will help in a way that the pills just haven’t.
Although the shingle blisters seem to have mostly healed, they have left behind them post-herpetic neuralgia, which means that the nerve endings (where the lesions cluster) have been damaged and go on feeling intense pain even after the fact. The older you get, the harder it is to control and she is very frail these days.
I’ve been very disturbed by the amount of drugs she has been on, none of which seem to have helped much, but the latest doctor visit saw them taking her off the megadoses, which I am glad about. She has been very altered by the drugs and today she is extremely twitchy and picking at her skin, restless and unable to settle, which to me does seem indicative of a bit of withdrawal. If they had worked I would have been happy to see her as stoned as a junkie in Northbridge but they haven’t.
Her husband is trying very hard to be supportive but it is obvious he finds it extremely difficult. She called me in tears tonight, begging me to come over, because he was out and he had been so awful to her, but I find it important to remember that she is very confused right now and not capable of always seeing things as they are. Several times she has forgotten that I’ve called or been over or was coming to see her. Hopefully this will improve now the mega doses of narcotics have been scaled back.
I try to cook tempting little invalid meals for her and just listen as she moves and groans and shifts in pain. I feel so helpless and she keeps on saying that she just wants somebody to hold her, which makes all of us feel awful, because we can’t – it physically hurts her to do so. But she is so confused that she doesn’t remember that and all she knows is that she is hurting and miserable and her family aren’t helping or comforting her.
I am so tired, what with the two jobs and the extra stuff and I have a few days off over Easter. I wanted to try and catch up with a girlfriend but she has little ones and no baby sitters and I have to work when she could be free and I don’t think she wants me around her baby when my mother is sick, which is fair enough. We never seem to be able to work it out and its not surprising, given that we are at very different stages of our lives with our families but it is regretful, especially as it mostly seems to be me who cancels due to work commitments and it probably comes across as not wanting to, rather than exhausted, struggling with money and barely juggling the already existing bits of my life. I feel drawn very thin these days, stretched out over too many things.