Trying an experiment

In my first marriage, to the father of my children, there was a lot of unhappiness. We fought right from the start, mainly due to his insistence that life shouldn’t change at all now he was married and for a very long time he regarded me and his daughters as a financial and emotional millstone around his neck. He wasn’t shy about letting me know it, either.

 

I wanted my marriage to survive and we tried counselling a few times but it never lasted more than one or twe sessions because he would refuse to go back, saying that he wasn’t going to change and I would just have to deal with it. We never really established an open or honest line of communication between us and I regret that so much.

 

It’s why, in this marriage I am always alert for the slightest hint of trouble and I want to pre-emptively head it off by always communicating. I think we do a good job on the whole but I don’t want to get stale. So I suggested that we should take the time each week to think of some small act that we want the other person to do for us for a week and at the end of the week, examine it and see whether it has revealed anything new to us about the other, whether it has brought us closer together, or even just given us a new talking point.

 

Husband agreed and for this week I want him to be more spontaneously affectionate. He used to be and I miss it. I was interested to see what he would come up with for me and he wants me to tell him a bad joke each day. At first I couldn’t see how this would contribute to our relationship but I am going to reserve judgment until the end of the week.

 

I am writing them down here because I wanted to have a documented record of what we were doing and how we felt it worked for us. Not interesting for anybody but me but I love seeing how somebody else’s mind works and that, I think, is the main reason for wanting to do this.

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About quirkycharm

I like to think that I have a certain quirky charm but I am probably being optimistic. Acquired taste, perhaps, which many don't acquire. This is about my fifth blog out there. My hosting companies kept going out of business or my IT exhusband kept hacking into them and I would move again. I don't do twitter, I barely do facebook, I don't try and 'monetize' my blog. I love my husband, my grown children and my job and this particular incarnation of oversharing my life comes at a time when I am the most content that I have ever been. I write always, sporadically during the good stuff and exhaustingly during the bad.
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2 Responses to Trying an experiment

  1. Brad (Griff) says:

    What a good idea! Rosie (my new love) and I started our relationship with some conditions. The most important one was raw honesty. Even if we think it may hurt the other, we ensure we are honest with each other, and we talk about what has been said and why, and we nut it out together so that we understand each other better. We are also really lucky in that we can talk to each other for hours. Our phone calls average an hour, and can extend for five or six hours straight (thank the comms gods for free unlimited long distance calls). Another thing we used to do which really helped me become happier, was to think of five good things that happened each day…could be anything, but had to be good things, and write them down. Then we’d tell each other the good things that happened. I hope your experiment has great results my dear friend :).

    • quirkycharm says:

      I agree with you, Brad, that honesty and communication are key. We do both well already, I think, and we’ve never had an argument that we haven’t been able to talk out and even in our most fundamental differing opinions, we always can compromise in the end, which pleases me greatly. This is more about putting the maintenance work in, I guess, and making sure we don’t get stale.

      Something we also did/do when either of us is feeling a little bit blah and possibly taken for granted (it has been three years now and complacency can creep in) is “list five things you like about me” just randomly. It always surprises me how minutely detailed the five things can be and it shows me that he is paying attention and he does notice, even when I don’t think so. And vice versa. It makes us feel appreciated by the other.

      I am acutely conscious of the fact that ‘forever’ is probably not going to be as long as I hoped it would be and so I am trying to get the maximum out of the time we do have together.

      I am so glad you and Rosie are happy. Hope you get to be with her soon!

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