We are a fairly dysfunctional family, with a lot of grudges. This leads to very complicated family arrangements whenever we are celebrating a birthday or special occasion, as mother refuses point blank to be in the same space as my stepmama. She once said she would like to stab her so we’ve diligently separating them ever since; I can see her doing it.
Funnily enough, she is much more forgiving of my father, even though he left her for my stepmother. 25 years of marriage will forge a very strong bond. Which leads to my current problem – she wants to see him one last time. I can understand why (she grieves for the man she used to know) but she refuses to have my stepmama around. He will probably refuse to see her if steppie isn’t there. Somehow I have to negotiate these tricky areas and give everybody’s emotions a chance for release. I am being a coward and not even mentioning it until we have a definite time frame.
I’ve told my daughters; one in person and one over the phone. Phone girl came around today and I tried to prepare her for the worst. I thought she might be upset or angry but what I didn’t expect was outright denial. She thinks that I am exaggerating the situation and that he is merely a little unwell. She doesn’t deal well with illness and it is probably part of her defence mechansism to not believe what she hasn’t seen with her own eyes.
She told me that I was wasting my time by choosing to be sad, when we hadn’t got any official news or diagnosis. That it might all be wrong. She sees emotions as a willing choice, regardless of the circumstances.
Maybe I was wrong in trying to prepare her. I did it for the right reasons, so that she would spend as much time as she could with him. It may not be that wonderful but one thing I am sure of is that if she didn’t spend the time now, she will definitely regret when she is older and more mature.
I think I’ve written eleventy one mails today, notifying far away family and friends. Exhausting trying to think of non-platitudes.
2 hours sleep last night is not helping. I had bad dreams. I haven’t slept the last couple of nights; lack of sleep is making me very fanciful and jumpy.
Oh, and in other news, I have that job I interviewed for if I want it. I was hoping that they wouldn’t offer it to me and then I wouldn’t have to make a decision. Pre-medical crisis I wanted it badly but now all I can see is my father slowly wasting away while I am working 50 hour weeks and never seeing him. Shouldn’t I make the effort to spend more time with him, to reminisce over days gone by, to relate again to the young father I adored?
I don’t know and it is very hard for me to decide.