I don’t know how long this can go on. I don’t talk about the nitty gritty details of it all with anybody but I do write about them privately but maybe I’ll have to just do it on my computer and not on the blog. I started to do it here and was appalled to realize that I inadvertently set it to public before I caught it so I probably can’t blog it unless I make the whole blog private by default and then change. I am just too tired to not make slipups.
It is awful. My husband is wonderful but I don’t even tell him all the dreadful disgusting stuff. I am so upset that my younger daughter has taken chosen to take teenage umbrage at something or other and I just don’t have the emotional energy to indulge her; I wish she could cut me some slack right now and help out around the house a bit more and support me some more. Instead she has informed me she will go and live with her dad because she doesn’t want to be around me right now. Very hurtful but I don’t have any spare emotion to plead with her because I can’t let myself go to pieces.
I have my stepmother to support. I have night nursing to do, I have day nursing to do when I am not working. I have a regular job to work.
You know, I really, really miss my dad. I think I am the only person he is is so awful to and it is so upsetting to me because I don’t think people would believe me even if I told them (which I would not do, because I wouldn’t want to upset them). I know it isn’t him; it is is the pain and the drugs and the loss of the control and the knowing that he feels safe enough with me to let go but it is still so upsetting.