Apparently, there are a quite a few of them, including this sense of surreal detachment that I am currently experiencing. I feel almost totally disassociated from it all and when people offer me sympathy I murmur the polite response and blank them out.
A kind friend tried to tell me that anything I was feeling was a natural response to the situation and most people would also experience it, although maybe not at the same time. That I could expect to feel all of the Kubhler Ross scale, such as anger, denial, depression, bargaining and anger.
Hmm. The only real ‘feeling’ emotion that is piercing the bland indifference these days is the sense of vicious satisfaction that I got when I reported an ambulance company to the Health and Disabilities Services Commission. (And the hospital. And the Ombudsman. And, for good measure, my local MP).*
Pretty sure spite is not a noble stage of grieving at all but it sure does feel satisfying.
*Remind me to write about this. I am just waiting, pending an in person meeting with the company. Suffice to say, it was a horrible experience that possibly shortened my father’s life, definitely caused him unnecessary pain and suffering and traumatized me forever.