I haven’t felt great, emotionally speaking, this week. I don’t know why. Life has gone on as it should: I’ve worked, relaxed, made time for family and friends, exercised regularly and eaten healthily. In short, everything that should make for a fulfilling, happy life. Yes, my father is dead and I miss him so much but he is better off, given his pain, and life is definitely easier without dealing with those logistics, too (that makes me sound awfully callous but it is the truth – pressure has been taken off).
But I haven’t been happy. Little things have been too much for me to deal with. I seem to have run out of emotional resources to handle the day to day vicissitudes of life. For example, I can’t get my computer to print wirelessly anymore and it would do it only the week before. And, speaking of computers, it has had the hard disk drive replaced and seems to randomly come up with a message saying that it has no more memory space, which is complete and utter bullshit. Little things like this drive me first to white hot rage and then utter despair, both reactions that I know are way over the top.
I am also worried about money. I don’t think we are doing very well financially and I lie awake at night fretting about it. I have always found money matters very hard to deal with and when I was single it was by a miracle of determination that I coped with it. Back then I was only dealing with my own finances (and the financial nuclear holocaust caused by my divorce) and providing for my daughters, but now I have to deal with the input of another person as well. The other person is very relaxed about money and I honestly don’t know if me feeling this way is because I am not in a mentally good state and I should worry or if I should be concerned.
Other family members are concerned about me and I find their concern indicative that I probably do have a problem but I am at a loss to know what to do about it. Medication isn’t really an option for me (the hard duty drugs are out, due to toxicity levels and renal complications and anti-depressants give me grand mal seizures) and therapy is very, very expensive if you don’t have private insurance, which I don’t. Due to the husband’s heavy array of medications for his heart problems, we spend a LOT of money on health issues already and I just don’t see where any extra money could come from.
I suppose I could get another job but I am already working 4 to 5 days a week (average of 38 hours) and I am already so tired all of the time. Cut down on expenses? Not sure exactly what expenses as we don’t live high on the hog as it is.
This sounds like a lot of complaining, which it is. I suppose I write this down to remind myself that I have these bad times and then it gets better again. I have a good life and I know this intellectually. Living with a mental illness is something that recurs, however, and it makes it a struggle at times. This is one of those times and I have to outlast it.