This is not a metaphor. It actually was sunny and I washed my sheets and dried them and this made me happy. It didn’t make happy having to get up at 5.30 to wash them so that I could hang them out before leaving for work but I couldn’t waste one of the few twelve hour periods we’ve had without rain in the last few months.
Maybe the sun also helped my mood as well or maybe it was crying (I went to see my stepmother after work today). As I finished early in the city I arranged to see her directly there, rather than drive any extra – sparing the knee is paramount right now. She had a little present for me: two cactuses, which made me laugh. This harks back to my birthday, less than a month after my father died, and she asked what I wanted for it and I responded that this year my birthday could ram a cactus up its arse, sideways, i.e. no celebration or presents.
It is only in her presence that the grief wells up enough that I literally sob; a visceral thing that comes deep from the heart’s blood of me. I think that if I truly let go enough, that way lies madness so I try not to but with her it is so hard. The release of the pressure helped, I think.
I came home and did laundry, gardened in the sun and then took myself solo out to dinner, seeing as though there was nobody around and I felt desperately lonely. I ate six oysters and a very small fillet steak and I read a book while I did so and I felt that I was doing the right thing and managing my grieving in a way that my incredibly eccentric family would approve of.
Early bed and was woken two hours later by a call from a friend of my younger daughter’s, telling me that she was “a little bit drunk” and that she would put her in a taxi to come home but her own mum had always said she would come out 24 seven to pick up and she thought I might want to. Bless her gorgeous heart, I did.
I drove to pick up an extremely intoxicated daughter (sigh: no dinner and a 21st celebration), who couldn’t operate her extreme high heels when drunk. She was very happy to see me (although I got the impression she would have been besties with a lamppost at this point) and said friend and I supported her to the car, where I firmly placed an emesis bag in her hand for the drive home. She was extremely adamant she didn’t need it; I more insistent she hold it. Mothers know better!
Trouble is, I won’t sleep again tonight, having two hours of the deep stuff. Oh, well. I am just so impressed with her friend for having being brave enough to call me. Equally impressed with other party goers who, having heard daughter was going home but not seeing me and thinking she was driving, immediately interjecting and starting to set up a situation in which she didn’t have to. It was the norm and that makes me pleased.
In other, work related, news there is something semi-famous coming up that I will be doing. Well, maybe not famous but it will be something that will get a lot of exposure in this little corner of the globe. I’d like to think it was skills recognition that put me into this position but I know it was mostly luck. More when I am allowed to write about it.