I had a really bad dream last night.
I dreamt that my husband had a heart attack and died. I’ve been having these dreams often, lately; it is coming up to the time of the year when the original incident happened.
I can understand why I am dreaming these things: the immediate urgency of the medical emergency has passed and my husband, bolstered by a year’s worth of good health (medication and my 24/7 nagging as to diet) thinks that he is invincible. But, whenever I am tired, or just want to not have to focus on somebody else all the time , or expect husband to look out for his own diet and health, I am inevitably disappointed. If I don’t do it, he doesn’t care enough to monitor it himself.
Constant heart good health diet, as regards all of the things he is supposed to adhere to, is a huge extra effort for me. When I know that he is so much less committed to it than I am, and it costs me so much more in effort (that he so often negates), I struggle to push my ‘healthy-must-eat-this-don’t-eat-that’ attitude. I know that he is so much happier eating the awful foods he prefers and it is so much nicer having him enjoying the food we eat together (a large aspect of our awake time spent together) and not having the negative relationship result of our arguments.
I think I should accept that he prefers to enjoy an indulgent lifestyle now and not be here for the long term. I really am trying to see life through other people’s eyes’, rather than my own.