I lasted three days solo hiking before I developed cellulitis of the foot again and had to urgently seek medical care. It looks like I won’t ever be able to do the extended walking hobby again.
I’ve come home to a very unhappy family dynamic and it has focused my attention on a long hidden, gradually become clearer, fact. The clearer it becomes, the more distressed I feel.
I should never have had children. I’ve damaged them so much and it doesn’t matter at all that everything I do comes from a place of love. It doesn’t matter that from the outside looking in, I would be seen to do pretty much everything necessary to raising, both physically and mentally, healthy well adjusted adults.
I fucked them up and I started doing it from the moment they were born. I wanted children and I wanted them for my own gratification and now I feel the weight of that selfish desire. Nobody would willingly choose to have kids so that you could cause them hurt but when it comes down to it, that’s exactly what I’ve done.
To look at your child’s distress and think “I caused this and I can’t fix it” is soul destroying. The guilt is constantly growing.