It has been a good couple of years and we’ve been climbing up high on the ladder as we play the cosmic life version of Snakes and Ladders.
I love my new job. I love my life at the moment. Every day I love my husband a little more and our affection was already considerable. But I don’t take all this happiness for granted and I never assume that it will last.
I sort of feel that it might be shortlived; that I don’t deserve it and it will revert to the usual state of problems and distress. Understand, I don’t want it to be like that and I don’t do anything to make it turn out like that, but I’m not surprised when it does happen that way.
I feel like I’ve been waiting for it. So when I got the news that my mammogram needed to be done again, I wasn’t surprised. I’ve been away a lot lately so I mentally pasted in a repeat visit to be done when I have a spare day and was prepared for things to go the same way – repeat, area still of concern, biopsy (or 12), good or bad result. I almost felt relieved that the something maybe bad had happened.
Then all thoughts of me disappeared. My husband has some health issues, quite serious ones, and I am freaking out about it. It’s an ongoing process, involving lots more tests before adopting a plan of action and we’ve kept it fairly quiet.Time enough to tell everybody when we work out what we will do. His problem feels like a direct strike at me by fate, like I only deserve a short time of happiness with him and I am not surprised at all. Really sad and upset but not surprised.
But today I learned about a worse something else and immediately 99 percent of all mental energy spent on my health issues, and then husband’s much worse one, were diverted to this new one.
I can’t write about it yet but I am reeling and devastated and it is immediate and now and not fair at all. Bad things happen to good people and it doesn’t seem fair. And I am longing for the two weeks ago problem, where the worst of my worries was another breast lump.
This family downward snake is a fucking big one.