Snakes and Ladders

It has been a good couple of years and we’ve been climbing up high on the ladder as we play the cosmic life version of Snakes and Ladders.

 

I love my new job. I love my life at the moment. Every day I love my husband a little more and our affection was already considerable. But I don’t take all this happiness for granted and I never assume that it will last.

 

I sort of feel that it might be shortlived; that I don’t deserve it and it will revert to the usual state of problems and distress. Understand, I don’t want it to be like that and I don’t do anything to make it turn out like that, but I’m not surprised when it does happen that way.

 

I feel like I’ve been waiting for it. So when I got the news that my mammogram needed to be done again, I wasn’t surprised. I’ve been away a lot lately so I mentally pasted in a repeat visit to be done when I have a spare day and was prepared for things to go the same way – repeat, area still of concern, biopsy (or 12), good or bad result. I almost felt relieved that the something maybe bad had happened.

 

Then all thoughts of me disappeared. My husband has some health issues, quite serious ones, and I am freaking out about it. It’s an ongoing process, involving lots more tests before adopting a plan of action and we’ve kept it fairly quiet.Time enough to tell everybody when we work out what we will do. His problem feels like a direct strike at me by fate, like I only deserve a short time of happiness with him and I am not surprised at all. Really sad and upset but not surprised.

 

But today I learned about a worse something else and immediately 99 percent of all mental energy spent on my health issues, and then husband’s much worse one, were diverted to this new one.

 

I can’t write about it yet but I am reeling and devastated and it is immediate and now and not fair at all. Bad things happen to good people and it doesn’t seem fair. And I am longing for the two weeks ago problem, where the worst of my worries was another breast lump.

 

This family downward snake is a fucking big one.

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About quirkycharm

I like to think that I have a certain quirky charm but I am probably being optimistic. Acquired taste, perhaps, which many don't acquire. This is about my fifth blog out there. My hosting companies kept going out of business or my IT exhusband kept hacking into them and I would move again. I don't do twitter, I barely do facebook, I don't try and 'monetize' my blog. I love my husband, my grown children and my job and this particular incarnation of oversharing my life comes at a time when I am the most content that I have ever been. I write always, sporadically during the good stuff and exhaustingly during the bad.
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