I try. I do.
I have regular counselling sessions with a psychologist, who tells me that I am one of his most self-aware clients. My current situation has the possibility for a lot of mental disintegration and I am always aware of that. I’ve set up support networks, I work around checking in with people and I talk, talk, talk about it all the fucking time.
My psychologist respects my boundaries. I’ve told him about past life events that I think made me this screwed up today and he agrees with me. I’ve also told him that right now isn’t the place to work on those generated problems; if I ever tried to, I think I would be very non-functional until the talking took me out of the other side and that might take a long, indeterminate time.. Right now, time isn’t an option that I have.
Medication (apart from one script of sleeping pills six months ago) is not something very feasible in the short term, either. Any mood altering drugs either give me seizures, or they don’t work, or they are on the banned list for driving. There may be some that don’t do any of those things, and that do actually work but, again, I don’t have the luxury of unlimited time to work them out.
And so I do what I can, trying so hard to be the person that my family currently needs me to be. I eat when I should, lie down to sleep when I should, offer up what little things I can.
Drowning slowly is the worst way to go.