Doing the things I hate

With my brother being incapacitated, I have had to take on the role of trustee for fund allocation from my father’s estate. In the here and now, that means handling a lot of finance. I have always hated accounting and figures and now I have to do it.


I have spent innumerable hours over the last ten days trying to get a grip on what I need to know, without incurring unnecessary expense through asking professionals. The estate isn’t worth that much but it is fairly complicated and there are a lot of issues with volatile/paranoid family members. I’ve got a huge folder of documents dealing with the estate and I’ve been reading a lot and trying to absorb.


But it is so hard. My brother has made notes on things; he has included copies of letters; he’s transparently showing it all out there so that the family can see he is doing the right thing. And none of us have ever needed that proof: if he said/did certain things, then we knew he was supremely fair and we agreed with whatever he actioned.


I can’t ever be as good as he was and I feel like I am stumbling my way through it all. Every effort is severely undermined by seeing my brother’s notes and annotations, in his own hand. Everything I read reinforces how clever, how compassionate, how supportive he was.


And I compare all the time, from that reality (only 7 months ago) to now and I am dissolved in fresh grief every time I turn a page.

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