I’m at home sick. I felt yuckky yesterday but chalked it up to being so exhausted from these horrible days. Getting up at 4 to take my husband to the airport was hard and I went back to bed afterwards, to try and bank some sleep for the long night ahead.
When I woke up, I ached and I still felt tired and disappointed in myself for my exhaustion but I went to the hospital anyway.
He was very restless and constantly trying to get up. I feel so bad when I have to hold him down, as did the nurses around me., while we waited for meds to kick in.
He is not going to get out of bed again. He’s too strong, too heavy, too much in danger of falling. Even with three of us, we can’t lift or carry him. My back hurts constantly from having done so for these last few months. But he doesn’t understand why he can’t get up and he constantly tries to. He kept saying ‘horrible’, ‘atrocious’ and ‘had enough’, as he thrashed beneath our hands and we pumped syringes full of gaga juice into him and waited for them to work.
At one stage I reassured the nurses that he wouldn’t hurt any of us and he immediately chimed in, ‘yes, I will!’. No, my darling brother. You’ve never deliberately hurt somebody in your life and even now, your every resisting movement are slow and gentle enough to be countered. Hurting people isn’t in your nature.
Eventually he fell into a deep sleep around ten and I drifted and dozed around the hours, waking from nightmarish monster dreams to check him, until I was relieved by somebody else. I went straight home and feel too unwell to do anything like call people or go out so I am sweltering/shivering in bed, watching my temp register from 39.2 degrees to 37.6 and feeling utterly crappy.
I am not calling my mother/husband/kids/SIL etc. They’ve all got too much to deal with already and presumably somebody will notice my absence after a while and hopefully I’ll be better by then.