My daughter held a bbq for her birthday

The actual birthday isn’t for a few days but it is the last weekend before they go off to South America so an early celebration is in order.

I didn’t want to go at all. To start with, I always have to see my ex-husband and his family there and it is stressful. Right now, social interaction is incredibly hard anyway.

I normally provide some sort of food and a homemade cake. I’d actually bought all the cake ingredients but today was a day when I couldn’t even brush my teeth, let alone turn an oven on. Husband was dispatched to buy an ice-cream cake instead.

I was very anxious about going there because I don’t have the social skills right now to deal with groups of people but she is my lovely daughter and I can make a huge effort for her.

It didn’t work out well.

I am lousy with the memory right now and one of the causes of my grief is that I don’t remember the last conversation I had with my brother. Because I didn’t know it would be that last conversation and a huge part of my grief is that everybody else in my family had the chance to consolidate and bind and say important things but I never did. Because they kept it from me while I was away and I only found out by a random email from overseas,wishing us all good luck.

I don’t think that I will ever be able to fine tune memory down to that last conversation but I now do realise the last time I saw him as he truly was. It was at the last year’s birthday party. I can even see exactly where he sat. His absence, from a family scene so typical, was absolutely devastating.

I feel flayed, like every nerve ending is screaming with raw pain.




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