I usually run out of steam halfway through, and leave it as a draft. I tend to do that with a lot of entries, actually; writing furiously seems to be cathartic for me. These day I am older and wiser and my husband and his practical, reliable advice have rubbed off on me. I pretty much never publish emotive entries (95% of the posts) immediately any more. I sit on them for 24 hours and then decide. Sometimes yes, much more often no.
I suppose even a slow learning person like me (literally; takes a lot to sink in, not meant as derogatory in any way) eventually absorbs life lessons. For some of us it takes a lot longer to get it right. I’m there now but it is still hard.
I worry all the time about balancing my mental health condition with my lifestyle and the business factors a lot into this. I know, KNOW, that I do my best work manic. Every good job I’ve ever had, every good position in life, has been obtained in a manic state, even though it wasn’t stripper boots manic level. I truly believe that I can do anything when I am in this state and I pretty much always achieve what I’ve pitched at.
When I am neutral, neither depressed or manic, I am just ordinary with no particular skill set and no confidence. I’m neutral a lot these days. I worry that my ordinariness might be the thing that stops my business from taking off.
So I write about it. I don’t publish all the doubts and fears but I have them. I also want to document the process of setting up a business but my personal emotions come into it so there aren’t many times that I feel comfortable publishing. I at least can look back upon them one day and maybe analyse what I did wrong and what I did right.
It is March. Next Wednesday I go out on tour for an 8 day trip to the Goldfields. I will forever hate March because that is when cancer, going for the long con, annexed most of my brother. I learned about it inadvertently, via an email from a concerned aunt, and I never got to speak to him before he became ‘other’. I can remember the room I stayed in, the shock I was in and the awful agony of working that day and not knowing if he would even survive.
We stay in the same accommodation and do the same things on this exact tour. It was hard last year and it is going to be hard this year.