I can’t make it better and it hurts so much

Out of hospital and I knew the initial response would be euphoria. She’s been away from a place where she spent four weeks, had two operations, multiple tests and was very close to not being here.

(As a digression, I’ve always wondered why people use euphemisms for death, like ‘passed’ or ‘left us’; I’ve always wondered why they can’t just say ‘die’ or ‘died’. I’ve nursed three people I love to end stage and I’ve always used ‘die’ or ‘died’. But with my daughter, I can’t seem to say those words and I don’t know why. That was almost the outcome and yet,  me, the daughter of a hospice nurse, can’t say those words. Detatchedly interesting.)

But today she’s out and yet she still has the outcome of the reason she was so ill in the first place. She wakes up and she isn’t in hospital but life isn’t better; instead, it is more real.

I cried with with her and I cry for her and all that she has lost and all that she has to face up to.

I would give anything for my girl to not have to suffer through this.

And anybody who uses the word ‘strong’ in reference to either her or I, please think again. Most unhelpful word right now, or possibly for ever.

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