I cant seem to do it.
I am working and I am functional and I can put on the necessary facade when required. But I am so aware that my grief is compartmentalized and that I need to keep on seeing my psychologist when I can, to deal with it.
The thing is, I dont want to talk about it because it doesn’t really help. I sometimes talk about it to my husband and rarely to my work partner, but nobody else.
I was at a low point the other night: physically and mentally exhausted because the trip was so hard. About 12 I finally got to go to bed and I had a horrible nightmare about my brother. My partner heard me crying and got up but I didn’t want to talk it out with him and I think he was upset by that.
It isn’t personal but other people offering platitudes don’t help.
I know, logically and from heart breaking experience , that my grief will get easier to deal with.. it just doesn’t seem possible right now.
I dont want to talk about my brother’s death because it brings up all the memories of our incredibly close childhood and it makes me think about him. He and I shared experiences in a way that keeps me clinging to his memory.
I will change the subject hard if anybody mentions him.and I cringe when anybody even just suggests that I should be over it already. The whole of June was bad.
I had a negative interaction with some of my brother’s friends. I asked if they could tone down all the celebratory social media posts that came about as part of them visiting dying members of the group and getting together afterwards. Yes,they care a lot about each other but it is really hard for my SIL to see all these posts where they are obviously enjoying life to the full without my brother. I asked if they could maybe share them on a private facebook group and was shot down immediately.
Seriously, what makes people so disregarding of other people’s feeling these days? Isn’t there some common level of respect for each other? Sure, my SIL is sensitive about things, as am I, but I’d like to think that the friends my brother had would be generous hearted enough to consider what upsets my SIL and not do it. Or at least take it to a private group. It distresses her so much.
The aggression I got after my request made me feel so awful. I just wasn’t prepared for that level of hostility, given my non-confronting tone. It definitely made my time at home less enjoyable. Added to that, an extremely stressful situation with my stepmother (I am now administering the family trust that supports her and she can’t or won’t understand that my brother’s death has changed everything and that there are costly legal procedures that have to be gone through) and I didn’t enjoy my down time at all.
My mother is quite observant and this time home she said she could see me change – for the first 24 hours I was happy and back to my old self; then I went downhill.
She’s right. I keep coming back to a place where he isn’t anymore and I feel lost.
I am still so sad. I want to scream out at the top of my lungs “i just don’t get it!”. I don’t. How can he not be here when all my memories place him so? How can he, his life, just stop? It doesn’t make sense at all.