I am so glad I have internet access again

I need it to write down all the bad things in my life, as well as the good.  

I woke up this morning, still feeling sad, mad and bad.

Currently, there's a conflict with with family and Boyfriend. I have a birthday next week and there is a family get together on the Saurday afternoon, as my stepfather's birthday is a couple of days after mine. Originally, this was scheduled for the Sunday and I've taken the whole weekend off, to celebrate my birthday, so it wasn't a problem.

 

I took the weekend off in the first place because BF and I were going to go rogaining (camping with orienteering) with his SES mates (who don't much care for me). I just wanted to spend the weekend with him. Then the dates were changed and I couldn't change mine as I'd already booked out. I definitely couldn't take another weekend off as well but the whole point was to spend the time with him so I was happy with that.

 Except….

 

He always works Sundays because the pay is much better and he has very expensive obligations. He was going to take that Sunday off for the rogaining thing but now its not happening he is not going to. So I don't get to spend a whole weekend with him. I am really struggling money wise right now, as it is winter and the quiet time and I confess to being really disappointed that I am giving up much needed money and that he is prepared to suffer a little financially for SES type stuff but not for me. It's like I lack the intrinsic value that makes monetary shortages worthwhile.

 

Still, I sucked it up, thinking that it would just be nice to spend a whole day together and that on the Sunday I would spend it with my family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Best girlfriend ever. So understanding.

 

But my mother changed her obligations too and said that now Saturday was the only day this family get together could happen. I inwardly sighed and resigned myself to the loss of yet more alone time with BF but it turned out she was focused on immediate family only. My mother has always been like that with nonfamily members. Even when my brother and his future wife had been dating for over six months, she didn't want to invite her to a large party held to celebrate my dad's 50th birthday. I tried to explain the whole never getting daylight hours together thing with BF but she either didn't understand or didn't care to try.

 

I sucked it up some more and agreed, but was resolved to see if I could get BF to hang around my place for a bit and then afterwards I would invite brother and family over to see it and meet him, which otherwise might not happen for months. But BF was both hurt and pissed off by my mother's attitude and I don't blame him. I tried to emphasis the 'family only' bit but he's not stupid and he isn't buying it.

 

I feel like I am trying to accomodate everybody else's needs here and nobody is really considering mine. It makes me feel considerably undervalued. Hence, the sad, mad, bad emotions.

 

I wrote an email to my mother this morning, which I know will piss her off. She holds grudges over anything not going her way, and she hangs onto those grudges like a footballer scoring the winning touchdown. I fully expect her to say 'well, don't come then, if you feel that way about it', totally discounting the fact that it is not unreasonable to want my boyfriend there. Then I am in the wrong AGAIN.

 

Boyfriend is already pissed off at me for yesterday and the whole mother-is-a-fucker deal just makes it worse. I am trying to make it all happen and I feel resentful that I am doing the whole assimilation of family thing and yet I have never even met his kids and he doesn't seem in any particular hurry to make it happen, either.

 

I suppose what it really comes down to is that I don't feel like I am placing first in anybody's life and I am so tired of that.

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