Presumably it will get easier but it is so hard right now. Thinking about why, it occurs to me that I can’t handle the social obligation politeness. Tell somebody that your brother just died (mostly as an explanation for why I am trying to take current actions, legal or otherwise) and there is an automatic social politeness rejoinder of regret. But they didn’t know him and they don’t know me well enough to really care how I am functioning and I don’t want to display the inevitable emotion that comes up if I tell the truth.
I do understand that most people are just trying to be nice by saying it, and I appreciate it, but I still shrink from it. Contrarily, when people should say it but don’t, I get hurt. It is a social norm that I think marks out decent people from others.
The two people who haven’t said anything at all, even when they knew me and the subject came up, aren’t people I classify particularly highly as stellar human beings and their lack of empathy just confirmed what I’d already felt about them.
I didn’t expect my ex-husband to send me a card but when he nagged me about doing something and I apologised for my tardiness, explaining the circumstances and he just responded “I know”, well, that made me sad. I was married to that man for 17 years and he should have the basic social levels of a human being.
I got mad at myself after, though. The thought kept rippling through my mind “I was married to that for so long?!”.
Currently, I shrink away from social interaction.
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